May 4

I've been having an internal struggle of sorts.  On one side there's the part of me that loves Christopher more than even I can understand, and wants to do anything in my power to make it work.  On the other side there's the part of me that thinks we need to part ways.

The stay side thinks that he's the love of my life.  He's the one I thought about even though we had parted years earlier.  He's the one that I spent all those years thinking what if.  What if I hadn't broken up with him?  What if, what if, what if.  Now, here we are, over three years since being reunited.  I keep thinking that these things don't just happen.  These things are magical, we have an amazing love story.  It would be stupid to walk away.  Foolish to just give up.

The leave side thinks he'll never change and I'll be miserable forever if I stay.  This part of me feels like even if he did straighten up and decide to stay, he'd never really be what I need him to be.  I don't think he'll ever be the man in my dreams.  There are many things that I want out of this life, and I honestly don't think he'd ever willingly give me any of them.  I want to get married.  I want to experience that deep, intense love.  A bond that tight.  I want that.  I want to go through the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant.  When I do finally find out I'm pregnant, I want the father to not only be happy, I want him to be down right ecstatic and excited.  Not the dread and regret I've experienced twice now.  Children are miracles, and each and every pregnancy should be treated as such.  I want to be with a man who thinks he's lucky to have me.  I want to be treated like a queen.  Not in a materialistic way, but in a loving way.  I want to be with a man who truly loves me and loves being around me.  Somehow I don't think any of that will ever be Christopher.

I don't know what will happen.  I've decided to stop pestering him about it.  If it's meant to be, it will be. If he thinks everything else is more important than us, than we deserve better.  If he wants to throw us away for whatever excuse he cooks up, then it's his loss.  We'll be okay.  I'm just going to focus on us, and getting us to where we're okay.  I need to get a car and a job.  I need to apply for daycare assistance. I hope I can get that.  I don't know what the hell I'll do if I can't.  If I have to, I'll file for custody and child support.  Parker and I need to be my main concerns.  If things work out with Christopher, great.  If not, we'll be okay.

Yarn.

I have a lot of yarn.  Now, I have nowhere near as much yarn as a lot of people out there, but in my own mind, it's a lot.  Yet, I keep buying more.  I love yarn.  Even though I can't seem to knit anywhere near as fast as I acquire new yarn.  However, it makes me happy.  This morning, as in a little while ago, I sat here taking pictures of some of the stuff I hadn't taken pictures of yet, and put it in my stash on Ravelry.  Is it sad that doing that while drinking my coffee is a good way to spend a morning to me?  Maybe I'm weird.  Who knows.

At least I'm a happy, warm weirdo.  My first sweater is getting SO close to being finished!  Yay!

I love my...

Kindle.  I read constantly.  I've finished 18 books this year, and truth be told it was I think the end of February when I got started.  So, yeah.  I've been reading a lot.  Probably more than I should if I want to be honest lol.

Then, yesterday, Parker slipped, and I of course caught him.  My kindle FLYING out of my hand, into a corner, which bounced it to the other side of the hallway.  I put Parker down, he's fine.  Then, I pick up the kindle to check out the damage.   2/3rds of the screen is completely unharmed.  The other 1/3rd?  Frozen in the time that it fell.  With some white lines through it.

So, I call Amazon.  Tell the guy what happened.  Less than 24 hours I have a brand new replacement.  Score!

Happy happy girl in this house :)  

Now the trashy novel reading my continue!

The Start of a Journey

My thoughts right now are focused mainly on getting my life together.  I need to show Christopher that I am perfectly capable of taking care of a man, a child, a household, and above all else, myself.  I need to contribute financially and personally to this household.  I am a 26 year old woman and should be supporting myself and my son.  It should not be purely up to Christopher to support us.  We are my responsibility as well.

I also need to not rely on him for all social interaction.  I need to make friends, and make a point to see them on a regular basis.  My need for independence goes far beyond financial responsibilities.  I need to be able to go places on my own when I want or need to do so.  I want to be able to buy things that aren't necessary, without asking him for money or permission.  I need to be able to provide the necessities for myself and my son.  I want to be able to provide him with all the fun things in life.  I want to be able to buy yarn to make the projects I want to make.  I also want to be able to do things for Christopher that don't require him to pay for it.

I want to develop hobbies that get me out of the house, alone.  I want to be able to pay a babysitter should I find the time and want to do so.  I want to develop hobbies that involve only Christopher and I.  I want to date him, on a regular basis.  I feel like we could use some quality time together, getting to know each other again, and falling in love with each other all over again.  

I want an education.  An education that will allow me to have a rewarding and fulfilling career.  I thought all this time that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom, raise my children myself.  I thought it was awful to leave him/them in daycare.  Now I think I was just being lazy.  Being home all the time really just doesn't work for me, and that's perfectly okay.  I can leave him in daycare, and he will be just fine.  In fact the social interaction will likely do him a lot of good.

I want to go out and have fun like a young woman should.  This doesn't have to mean getting drunk, and I highly doubt it will since I'm definitely not much of a drinker.  It simply means going out and having fun.  This can involve fishing, bowling, golf, baseball games, etc.

I want to get my health straightened out.  I want to take care of myself better.  I want to look great, and I know it's entirely possible.  I need to get my teeth fixed.  I need to start taking care of my skin and hair.  I need to get haircuts on a regular basis.  I need to get my nails and toenails done on a regular basis.  Not really because it's necessary, but because I deserve it and the way it feels.  I have a great body already, and if I put some effort into eating well and exercising, I'd have a kick ass body.

I want to learn to handle money well.  I want to be frugal with my/our money.  I want to learn to make great things happen in the grocery store through the use of coupons.  I don't feel the need to go all extreme crazy lady with the coupons, but I think they could take us a long way when it comes to our grocery bill.  Lord knows there are far better ways to spend money than on groceries.  Like sitting in a savings account!  We really need to work on savings.

I just hope that it's not to late to save our relationship.  I just hope I got my head out of my ass in time to keep him from walking away.  I love that man more than I could ever put into words, and I need him in my life.  My son needs his father.  He is an amazing man and I'm lucky to have him.  I just hope I can show him that he is lucky to have me!

The acquisition of anti-fog

This past week has been something else.  Monday, I was driving down the highway with my little man in back, and something inside of me just clicked.  (Forgive me all the upcoming cheesy cliche's) It was like I'd been walking around in a fog (for years) and all of a sudden I found the anti-fog.  All of a sudden, I could see.  I could see all the problems in my life, what I'd done (or failed to do) to create them, and what needed to be done to right everything.

My life has been falling apart for quite some time, and all of a sudden I have the will, the strength, the knowledge, and the drive to make everything better.  I feel like I'm finally strong enough to live my life.