May 4

I've been having an internal struggle of sorts.  On one side there's the part of me that loves Christopher more than even I can understand, and wants to do anything in my power to make it work.  On the other side there's the part of me that thinks we need to part ways.

The stay side thinks that he's the love of my life.  He's the one I thought about even though we had parted years earlier.  He's the one that I spent all those years thinking what if.  What if I hadn't broken up with him?  What if, what if, what if.  Now, here we are, over three years since being reunited.  I keep thinking that these things don't just happen.  These things are magical, we have an amazing love story.  It would be stupid to walk away.  Foolish to just give up.

The leave side thinks he'll never change and I'll be miserable forever if I stay.  This part of me feels like even if he did straighten up and decide to stay, he'd never really be what I need him to be.  I don't think he'll ever be the man in my dreams.  There are many things that I want out of this life, and I honestly don't think he'd ever willingly give me any of them.  I want to get married.  I want to experience that deep, intense love.  A bond that tight.  I want that.  I want to go through the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant.  When I do finally find out I'm pregnant, I want the father to not only be happy, I want him to be down right ecstatic and excited.  Not the dread and regret I've experienced twice now.  Children are miracles, and each and every pregnancy should be treated as such.  I want to be with a man who thinks he's lucky to have me.  I want to be treated like a queen.  Not in a materialistic way, but in a loving way.  I want to be with a man who truly loves me and loves being around me.  Somehow I don't think any of that will ever be Christopher.

I don't know what will happen.  I've decided to stop pestering him about it.  If it's meant to be, it will be. If he thinks everything else is more important than us, than we deserve better.  If he wants to throw us away for whatever excuse he cooks up, then it's his loss.  We'll be okay.  I'm just going to focus on us, and getting us to where we're okay.  I need to get a car and a job.  I need to apply for daycare assistance. I hope I can get that.  I don't know what the hell I'll do if I can't.  If I have to, I'll file for custody and child support.  Parker and I need to be my main concerns.  If things work out with Christopher, great.  If not, we'll be okay.